so i think being a deep thinker or at least someone who kinda tries to make connections with a lot of stuff–like everyday, it’s a hard but awesome gift i guess. tough because you’ll have a lot of things running around in your head and it can be confusing, but great cuz you find joy in kinda understanding things


thing is, you can’t understand everything. or most things. ever. which is really against the part of me that wants to know how stuff works. it’s not that i try or want to put things in boxes or try to have a formula for everything, it’s just that i wanna understand things. i feel like i can pretty much come up with a logical answer for a lot of stuff, but that’s different than truly understanding, you know?

lately i’ve been thinking about stuff or correlations with god and design. obviously, the biggest connection is in fact design, but in what ways that’s true and how it applies is what i’m thinking about.

now there’s people who just accept religion or christianity b/c they were raised in it, and they don’t really think about it. [different than faith and just believing, these people are ones that don’t really know much about what they “believe”]. then there’s people like BJ who talk about chaos theories and how everything is chaos, even in order, and all that. so i get frustrated with the first group and saddened with the second. 

look, design is crazy confusing with stuff like make it communicate it but also finding joy in the discovery is good, and helping increase efficiency is great but also in slowing things down, and looking at things that actually affect our behaviors but that in the end we’re still the same, and how everyone is different, but again there are some intrinsic things that are the same, etc etc. 

so with god and religion and all that–i’ve been confused on how to articulate what i think sometimes. but i feel like it’s similar. i’m confused why things happen and i don’t know why and it’d be easier to believe religion and the idea of a god is just a fabricated way to make people behave and that there’s no cohesion with history and all that—but that goes against a bigger part of me.

yeah i’m confused and i haven’t figured it out, but i still believe in it. yeah i get confused with design and can’t understand all of it. but i still have it in me. there’s stuff we can talk about both for hours and hours, but in the end, even with confusion, there’s that little piece of clarity, however clear, that drives us to keep pursuing what it means to be a christian/a designer. there’s gotta be a bigger picture, there’s gotta be something else. isn’t that ultimately what all design points to? with all the thought we put into things and thinking about stuff and all of its consequences, is it really easier to believe that we were not designed ourselves?? 

at first, i thought religion and Christianity was a cop-out. give people something to believe in, make them look down on people, take their money, and make em feel good at times with spiritual stuff, and there you go. well, first, all that stuff is not describing Christianity as i think it’s mean to be, but only describes a view of it/other religions. second, now i’m seeing that not believing is more of a cop-out. at least for me. it is harder for me, at the core of me, all of who i am, to surrender to the idea that we are here simply because of stuff that happens explainably in science. to me science is one of the clearest pointers to God (even if he used evolution or even big bang), but science did not make up its rules by itself. and i can’t believe that these feelings of extreme joy and community and loneliness and love for humankind and hate for humankind and wanting to be loved all add up to — just now. just live for yourself. help people, that’s better. but do it to feel good. do what you can. seize the day. live it up. shit happens, but move on. you live, learn, and then die. i can’t buy into all of that–or at least i can’t build my life on it. is it that naive of me to think and know that we were made for a bigger picture and a bigger plan–even bigger than the peace corps or “doing good”? or is the true naiveness in the idea that “this is it. believe what you want, it doesn’t really matter. it’s too confusing anyway.” 

it might be impossible to understand and grasp, but i think there’s enough hints and stuff out there to make that little piece of clarity grow a little bit. and when it shines through the blackness of confusion, it can shine a light on life that unparalleled to any “new age” thinking or theories or “experience”. that’s my thought anyway



  1. you hit it on the head in your last line it doesnt mater what you believe in as long as you believe in something, be here now…( find this book it may have some answers you seek but rember to read it with an open mind, there is no right answer but the one you make.

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